Manly Men
by The Jaide Ninja Spork
Summary: Who is the Manliest Man of Manliest Men of the Manliest Men? In an attempt to solve this argument once and for all or for a while the Cullens have a series of weird competitions. Who will win?
1. Alice!

**Manly Men**

**Alice!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does... et cetera (who reads these?) **

Edward POV

"Who's the manliest man of manliest men of the manliest men?" Emmett and Jasper had been chanting for the last five minutes, gradually getting louder as they tried to outdo each other. It was shaking the walls of my room and rattling the keys of my piano. Well, it was one way to pass the endless years. Bella gave me an exasperated look, which could be translated into: Can you shut them up! I offered Bella a sigh and my arm to her _(__**A/N: sigh such a gentleman**__)_ and we made our way downstairs.

I 'yelled' out, "Emmett, Jasper, why do you feel the urge to find out who's the manliest man of manliest men of the manliest men?" Bella looked at me, unexpected amusement in her chocolate eyes. "What?" I asked, confused. If only I could read her mind...

"I assume you've played this game before Edward. Anyway, who is the manliest man of the menopause men...oh, sorry Edward." Trust Bella to stumble _(get it?)_ when speaking. However, what was really strange was that even this little embarrassing incident hadn't stopped Jasper, or even Emmett and from their chanting.

Walking into the lounge room, I was met with a curious sight. Black and red balloons covered the ceiling and said coloured crêpe paper was slung everywhere, including my piano. Explaining why the room was covered in all this was a huge black with red text banner exclaiming: **Who's the Manliest Man of Manliest Men of the Manliest Men Competition! All Manly Men Welcome!**

Groaning, I peered around for the culprit of all this mess. "Alice!"

_**This is all for now. I'm going to post again tomorrow, or when I get a few reviews. If you see any errors or have any ideas, please tell me. I will try to reply to all reviews, so if you don't want me to reply, say so. I know this is short, but I'll try posting frequently, twice a day after my exams are over. I'm also working on another story. Lastly, if you see any Australian-American discrepancies, do not call them mistakes. I am proud of being an Aussie, so forget complaining. Any who, R&R please!**_

_**Ninja Spork**_


	2. Goblet of Fire?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter (J.K Rowling) or Twilight (Stephanie Meyer). Don't let my disclaimer keep you from reading. Read! **_**Read! READ!**_

The Goblet of Fire?

Bella POV

Alice popped her head out from behind a black sheet hanging on the wall, a huge smile on her face. "Hey, I thought you had taste. Honestly Alice, black and red?" Edward shook his head in mock disappointment. I swear, only a vampire could have a smile as wide as the one that brightened Alice's face. "Edward, I'm not the only one in on this. Esme, Carlisle and Rosalie are joining in. I think the only reason Esme and Carlisle joined in was to keep the chanting down. We are going to solve his once and for all. Or at least for the rest of the holidays."

The expression of disbelieve mixed with ancient yearning was obvious on Edward seraphic face. "Alice, if you think it can be done, count me in." Alice gave a little squeal and quickly hugged Edward. "Rosalie will be finished soon. This is going to be great!" I gave Alice puppy-dog eyes, hoping to leave now, but she obstinately stared back and gave me her own. I folded under the inexorable pressure, and agreed to stay.

Just then, Rosalie walked into the room with a covered bundle and set it down in the middle of the room. Carlisle and Esme ran downstairs and everyone hushed, and even Emmett and Jasper stopped their previously relentless screaming. A reverent air settled around me. I noticed that they all the females were wearing flowing, white gowns and the male's white, open shirts with loose, white pants. Silly human that I am, I decided to ask what the covered thing in front of me was.

"Hush!"Alice cut me off before I'd even begun, stupid future-telling vampire. "All must be quiet in the presence of the Goblet of Fire!" She then began to dance a clockwise circle around the Goblet, leaping and spinning gracefully. Rosalie joined in, dancing widdershins. Edward started playing his piano and Emmett and Jasper started doing flips and summersaults. Esme and Carlisle threw the cover off the bundle and spun out of the white-blue circle Rosalie and Alice were now drawing.

This was weird. Very,_ very_ weird. But no time to deliberate on the questionable sanity of my soon-to-be family, the circle was complete and the dancing was over. Alice solemnly spoke in a deep voice, "Praised be the Goblet of Fire."

The Cullens echoed her tone, murmuring after her, "Praised be the Goblet of Fire." I quickly followed their lead. Alice continued, "You have one hour to place thy own name in the Goblet of Fire. The name that flies forth from the fiery chalice shall, and must, choose the first game. Be gone, and do not take this obligation lightly, for others will follow and make 

your life resonance with their feelings on your game. Once your name is entered you must participate in _all_ games. Disperse!"

At Alice's last word, the light went out and Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie flocked from the room. Edward stayed by my side as Alice went and turned on the lamp that she had, quicker then my eyes could follow, deviously turned off.

"Sorry about all that Bella, but we have to do this properly. It was fun, at least for us vampires," Alice grinned, knowing that the Cullens throwaway use of the word still shocked me. I might use it to describe them frequently, but not out loud. "Anyway," Alice continued, "I have to go put my name in the Goblet of Fire."

Wait a second, "Isn't it the competition about," I looked over at the banner for support, "seeing who the Manliest Man of Manliest Men of the Manliest Men is? Don't you have to be a male?" I pronounced each word of the chant slowly and clearly, making sure that I made no mistakes. Grinning in triumph at Alice, a felt my smile fade as I saw her shaking her head slowly.

"Bella, dear, don't be chauvinistic. A female can be just as manly as any male in this house, and probably much more mature." As if to emphasise her point, I heard Emmett yelling at his XBOX, claiming that it didn't need to rub the fact that it was happy in his face. Alice gave a knowing nod, before making her graceful exit. Edward wrapped his arm around my waist and buried his head in my hair. "Don't worry," he vowed in velvet tones, "I'll look after you. You can sit out and watch us play."

I let out a sigh of relief. To be put through games altered for vampires, when I couldn't even get through P.E safely was a frightening prospect. I gazed up at Edward's perfect face in relief, his molten topaz eyes catching my plain brown orbs. He gently placed his soft lips on my forehead, before conjuring a piece of paper out of nowhere, crossing the pulsating blue line and dropping it into the waiting chalice, all in the blink of an eye.

"Game on!"

**That's the end of the second chapter. By the way, this is not a Harry Potter/Twilight crossover. I borrowed the Goblet of Fire to further my plot. I didn't have much time to write this (I'm swamped with tests) so they will be longer. R&R please people!**

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**Ninja Spork**


	3. Nice one, Bella!

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does...**_

_**Claimer: I own my plot and storyline, so no one steal it!**_

Bella POV

_Exactly 58 minutes and 3 seconds after the unveiling of the Goblet of Fire..._

Everyone stood around the Goblet of Fire. Instead of the billowing gowns and flowing garments worn an hour previously, the vampires were all outfitted in sleeveless, clinging, black clothes, designed for free movement.

The Cullens angelic faces were decorated with intricate black designs, contrasting vividly against their pale faces, turning celestial exquisiteness into demonic contortions. Even calm, pleasant Carlisle looked impious, and my own seraphic Edward seemed a fallen angel. Of course, they were all still stunning, but it was a wicked, perverted beauty.

Alice stepped forward, a pixie turned imp. Raising an arm, she announced, "One minute of silence, in mouth and mind!" In the silence that followed, you would have been able to hear a pin drop, if you were a vampire anyway. Remembering that I was meant to be silent in 'mouth and _mind_', I stopped thinking, even though Edward couldn't read my mind and point out that I was breaking the rules. Only 40 seconds left of the minute of silence...

_39 seconds later..._

The silence was broken by an unladylike outburst from my rear. The presence of the Goblet of Fire did nothing to stop the proceedings of the next minute. Emmett stifled his booming laugh, only to be set off by Jasper sending out waves of mirth.

Even Edward slumped to his knees, clutching his chest and shaking with silent laughter, unable to restrain himself. I glared and turned my back on him, only to let out a smaller, but smellier blast right in his face.

By then, all the Cullens were having hysterics on the floor. Fortunately _they_ didn't need to breathe, but I did. Frowning defiantly at them, I started to walk out into fresh air, hoping that they would be in no condition to stop me leaving. Of course, I tripped and Alice was by my side in an instant, dragging me back into the room.

Edward was still lying incapacitated on the floor, and it served him right, behaving like that! Making sure I didn't look at him and get caught in the trap of his ensnaring topaz eyes, I went over to the door slowly and took a deep breath of the untainted air. Obviously Alice's gift told her I wasn't going to leave, just try to stay alive.

Eventually the last few giggles –yes, the Cullen men _giggle_ – died, and the anxiety that had earlier infiltrated the air was gone. Jasper was in no state to be influencing anyone's emotions at the current moment. Alice had a wry smile on her face as she looked at her husband.

All the Cullens black facial designs were smudged, making them look like little kids who hadn't had adult supervision near some paint. The look wasn't helped by their sheepish expressions as they recalled the last few minutes. I saw a few mock annoyed glances at Jasper, and probably missed a whole heap more.

Emmett looked at me smugly. "Nice one Bella, I wonder if you still smell so tempting to little Eddie." He gestured with one huge hand at Edward, who was clutching his stomach and gasping for uneeded air. I think he would have growled at Emmett for his last comment and the insulting nickname, but he probably didn't even hear it, aloud or in Emmett's thoughts.

I smirked at Emmett, who had just realised that we all had a bit of blackmail over him, and Edward would make his life awful when he fould out what Emmett said. An expression of alarm started to form on his face, and I sincerely hoped that he would lose metaphorical sleep over his little blunder.

Finally Edward calmed down, looking suspiciously around at the smug faces around him. By the annoyance on his face I assumed everyone was blocking him. Apparently putting it down to my gassy eruption and not wanting him to get angry because it was _so_ funny, he shrugged it off and turned to Alice, who was stepping up to the chalice.

The solemn expression back on her face, Alice walked past the radiating blue circle and up to the Goblet. She turned around to face us, one by one. "All ye who have placed their names in, walk up to the Goblet of Fire and place thy hand on the base."

Emmett, Jasper, Carlisle, Rosalie and Esme joined Alice. Edward lightly kissed my forehead before walking over and resting his cold hand on the base of the hot cup. A sudden eruption, not unlike my own in noise, shook the air slightly. A piece of paper flew out of the chalice and into Alice's waiting hand.

"The first person to choose a game will be..."

Her shoulders slumped slightly as she read out what was on the singed piece of paper...

**That's the end. I need people to vote! Choose who will choose the first game. Also, game ideas are welcome! Support me because I can't update until you help! R&R**

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**Ninja Spork**


	4. Error Code: 103A

_**Disclaimer: I don't own the Goblet of Fire or Twilight…**_

_**Claimer: I own my storyline!**_

Alice POV

I spoke the ceremonial words: "The first person to choose a game will be..."

I had a flash of insight, and looked down at the piece of paper in horror, hoping that I was wrong. My shoulders slumped my hope was negated. The harmless-looking nightmare in my hand read:

'_Error Code: 103A. Please read troubleshoot section of instruction manual and fix this problem.'_

I looked up at the curious faces round me and carefully blocked my mind from Edward. I rushed out of the room to find the manual out in the garage. Finding it under an old copy of _Car and Driver_, I flipped through to the troubleshoot section.

'_Error Code 103A: Not all participants are in contact with the Goblet of Fire. If problems persist please call…'_

I stopped reading, sunk to my knees and groaned. Why was this happening?

_Flashback – Alice's vision_

_Jasper tricks the Goblet of Fire with his empathic power while Emmett places a piece of paper inside… _

_Bella stood in front of the Goblet of Fire, touching the base gingerly…_

_End Flashback – Alice's vision_

Damn! Edward was going to kill me. Once your name was in you had to compete, there was no other way about it. Jasper and Emmett were going down! Why did they do such an awful thing? Emmett doing something like this I could accept, it was his bad idea of a joke, but Jasper? I would have never thought it of him. I guess boys will be boys.

With a sigh, I headed back to tell Edward the bad news. I walked slowly into the home and suddenly shouted out, "Carlisle, grab Edward!" Carlisle was quick on the uptake, grabbing Edward in an iron grip before he could run away. I took care of Jasper and Rosalie, seeing what I wanted her to do, grabbed Emmett, who was to afraid of her to break free.

Esme took over the restraining of Jasper for me. Bella just stood where she was, and I wondered what all the sudden action must have looked like to her. I stood up as tall as my 4"10 frame allowed and pointed an accusing finger at Emmett and Jasper.

I whispered menacingly at the idiotic partners in crime. "You two, you thought it would be funny to trick the Goblet and put Bella's name in?" Edward's eyes widened and he stared to struggle with a new lease of wrath. Jasper sent a calming wave in his direction but Edward wasn't going to have any of it.

Bella looked terrified at Edward's fury, even though it wasn't aimed at her. Edward, seeing Bella's expression calmed down. I nodded to Carlisle, who let Edward go. He immediately rushed to Bella's side, and sent a pleading look my way. "Can't she be released from having to do this? Please, Alice, she's only human."

I sadly shook my head. "Sorry Edward, I can't do that. I want to, but I can't. She has to play." I really was sorry, and I couldn't wait to see Emmett and – even though I love him – Jasper punished. I offered the consolation prize, as poor as it was, "You can figuratively kill them in the games though, Edward. And I'll make sure that Bella isn't hurt by the foolish antic of these two," I looked at over at the pathetic sight of Emmett and Jasper, "idiots."

Edward tightened his mouth in anger, but accepted the fact Bella had to play. Bella just stood gobsmacked, leaning against Edward for support. Without warning she went into hysterics, "do you mean _I_ have to play, Alice? I can't even do P.E without hurting myself or someone else!"

"Bella, I doubt you can hurt us. I'll be there to protect you from harm," Edward whispered in her ear. He acted towards her the same as Jasper did towards me, so respectfully. Remembering the stunt that Jasper had pulled I amended that last thought. Like Jasper used to act towards me.

I sent a glare at my husband, who was quailing on the floor under my fury, as well as Edward's, Esme's and Carlisle's. All Rosalie's anger was aimed at her partner, and Bella was too shocked to be directing her anger at anyone.

I had to take over before a brawl started up. "Okay everyone, calm down! Now, we may as well get the name of the first game chooser over with as soon as possible, so the real fun can start – revenge!"

Immediately the room was silent. Emmett and Jasper stumbled towards the Goblet of Fire, herded by Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie. Bella walked supported by Edward, petrified. I stepped in the circle last. Everyone put out a finger and touched the foot of the Goblet.

A piece of paper landed into my hands, and I almost sighed with relief. No errors this time…

Like before, I spoke the traditional words…

"The first person to choose a game will be..."

**Who will it be? Please vote and game ideas are welcome. Weird, twisted games… MWAH HA HA! R&R, thanks for reading! I shall update as soon as I know who will choose the first game.**

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**Ninja Spork**


	5. Cullen Chicken for dinner?

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**_

_**Claimer: I do own my storyline/plot, so don't steal it unless you can tempt me with nothing less than Breaking Dawn.**_

Emmett POV

Alice read out the name on the sheet. I had my fingers crossed, come on come on come on…

"The first person to choose a game will be...Emmett 'Grizzly' Cullen..." _(A/N: he was voted for the most. __xXxNyte-chanxXx__ – I will please you at the next choosing... no one gave me ideas, so you're stuck with whatever Emmett thought up. Sucko!)_

YES! There were groans from everyone in the room, but I paid them no heed. I immediately started thinking up game ideas. Maybe an X-box tournament? Nope, too unoriginal. Perhaps…yes, perfect!

Alice looked at me. "No."

"Oh, come on Alice. You can buy the cars," I tempted her. She looked at me, longing in her eyes. Gotcha.

Edward read my mind and went completely _ballistic_. "No! Absolutely NOT! Bella's only human Emmett, she can't walk away from a car crash like we can!"

Bella went pale at the mention of a car crash, but she didn't faint – yet. Wait till she heard what we would be playing.

Ignoring Edward's concerns about Bella, I was sure she'd be fine, I told my family: "Guess what, we're gonna play Team Chicken – Emmett style!"

The reactions were broad and varied:

Alice – Screamed out, "I'm buying the cars!"

Bella – Fainted (surprise, surprise).

Edward – Went to kill me, but had to catch Bella (it was a close call).

Carlisle – Went pale and said, "I became a doctor to save people from car crashes."

Esme – Looked at me sadly and shook her head.

Rosalie –Didn't look surprised at all. Am I really that predictable?

Jasper – Got a headache from all the emotions floating around.

Alice rushed to the computer and started ordering Otokar Cobra's _(A/N Google it!)_ off the black market, Jasper snuck out of the room to nurse his head, Carlisle took Esme's arm and they left the room, horror-struck at the monster they raised. Rosalie went out to the garage, probably to move her precious car and make room for the Cobra's.

Edward put Bella down lovingly on the couch before dashing out of the room and up the stairs. A second later, I heard manic laughter and a weird... screeching noise... Oh no, let it not be what I think it is. Alice looked at me, a smile on her devious little face. Damn!

"NO! Edward, that's my Xbox 360 that you're jumping on!" I dashed up the stairs and into my room, shoving him off and curling protectively around the remains. The smart-ass was smirking at me, his job done. I knelt down beside my beloved Xbox, and whispered a few last words to console my console.

"I forgive you for being so happy darling. It's right to be enjoying life on your last day..." I moaned. After an eternity of waiting, the flashing red lights dimmed, and my love stopped humming, its duty over. I howled at the ceiling, heartbroken. I could now imagine the pain Jasper had after the emotion overload, because I felt so very much worse.

Struggling to my feet, I stumbled downstairs. I saw Rosalie's look before she managed to hide it. She was obviously satisfied that my Xbox was gone and she wouldn't need to share my love. It wasn't that kinky having an Xbox 360 in bed with you and your wife during intimate moments. I glared at her and looked around the room for anyone else who found it funny. I heard Carlisle, who had just come back in the room, chuckle _very _softly.

I growled and advanced slowly on him, herding him towards the glass wall, before being restrained by five concerned-looking vampires. Hateful, the lot of them!I strained against the iron bonds, but it did me no use, their grip was unbreakable. Finally coming to my senses, I curled up in foetal position, which is no easy feat for a 6"5 muscle-y guy, even if he is a vampire. _(A/N: Ha, ha - Emmetts all paranoid and schizophrenic!)_

I stayed in my position for who knows how long, until I heard trucks pulling up outside. I jumped up, stretched my body and went to check out the delivery. Sitting just outside the door, looking awesome in the shade of the trees, four Cobras lay parked. I had no idea how Alice had gotten them so quickly, until I glanced at the date on Carlisle's watch.

Somehow, I had stayed in my little ball for... a week? And no one made me get up? I guess that they realised how cool my Xbox was... I saw Alice sign a piece of paper and hand it to the delivery guy. Glancing over at me, she opened her hand and 5000 bucks was deposited in it.

"They all thought that you'd never wake up, just lay there whimpering. One day they'll learn their lesson and stop betting against me, and that day I'll be broke," Alice explained lightly. The trucks pulled out from our driveway, slowly winding amongst the huge trees.

"Who's up for a little Cullen Chicken for dinner?"I yelled.

Shock of all shocks, Bella's stomach grumbled and Edward picked her up, calling back over his shoulder, "Once the human's fed, you're going _down_ Emmett!"

The rest of us ran outside while Edward fed Bella, running to a car, naming and claiming it. It looked like Edward wasn't going to be able to go with Bella. The teams and their cars were:

The Parents – Carlisle and Esme

Emo-tional – Jasper and naught

Physic Chic and Human – Alice and _officially _naught. She knew that Edward would put Bella with her, naturally.

Grizzly Nymp-hoes – Myself and Rosalie (A/N: Gotta love the name! For those who don't get it, look up nymphomaniac)

Edward and Bella walked out of the house. The former realised that the later would need some support when she saw the armoured vehicles. I grinned at Edward, who had just realised the current groupings. He deposited Bella in Alice's arms, whispering in her ear something I couldn't hear. I would have been able too, if Esme hadn't placed her hands over my own ears.

Edward walked over and joined Jasper. I could hear them arguing over the name of the car, but I thought it suited well enough. Edward was kinda emo before Bella, and when he wasn't with her or remembering when he left he was a total masochist.

I looked at Alice, who answered my unspoken question.

"There's due to be a convenient thunderstorm tonight. There's a nice, big clearing we can play in and we have the added bonus of it being muddy if we wait for the rain to pass over it," Alice said, sounding like one of those tour guide hostesses.

Bella looked flabbergasted at Alice's mention of it as 'play', but that's what you get when you muck around with juvenile vampires. But there was one problem left to be solved...

"How are we going to get these to the clearing?"

Edward replied to my questions with an eye roll. "Carry them of course. Five too a car, Alice in front to lead and myself to scout for humans," he said. Oh, okay. That should work. Edward gave an addition 'duh' look in response to my thoughts.

It took about two hours ferrying the cars through the woodland animal trails, most of it spent in a mud fight that Alice predictably won. Stupid psychic vampire. Eventually all the hard work was finished and the fun could begin.

Everyone was ready, the engines revved, mud was flying everywhere, Bella was puking in a bucket Alice had knowingly provided. This was a metaphorical dream came true.

"On your marks, get set... GO!"

**I ****know this took forever... but I was busy studying. I don't need to study much, but failure isn't pretty. For those of you who care more about my story than my success, I am going to set my Ninja Sporks on you. ****R&R please! Just a little warning - my year is going on a trip to celebrate the end of exams next week, so I will writing like I'm insane, but be unable to post. If you be nice (and maybe review) I will send my friend a **_**looooong**_** few texts on my mobile, telling her to update using the story in the texts. It's my credit on my mobile and my time, but you guys are worth it! This A/N is a bit long, but I want you to know, so you are happy!**

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**Ninja Spork**


	6. Bella? Striptease?

_**Claimer: I own my storyline...**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, not the Goblet of Fire and us much as I want one, a Cobra. Thanks for making me sad. Now I'm going to read my fanfic and your (hopefully-to-be reviews) to cheer me up. As you realise that you don't own them either (unless your Stephanie Meyer, J.K Rowling or**_ _**Otokar), you should do the same. Enjoy!**_

Alice POV

Bella's stomach was really unsettled by the revving of the engine, but predicting that I had pre-installed a bucket for her private use. The fumes of the vomit sloshing around the bucket were pungent. I was glad that I wasn't foolish enough to be put in a position where I would be dared to eat something and then have to throw it up, or be near someone else doing it to protect their honour.

I always looked graceful, even when throwing the contents of my stomach up. Bella didn't quite manage with the same degree of style. Edward was probably wishing he was over here, pulling her hair away from her face and cooling her flushed cheeks.

I saw Edward look sourly over at me and I waved happily, a huge grin on my face. I could only imagine what I must look like, a pixie-like figurine at the wheel of a mammoth vehicle. It was such a ridiculous sight that Edwards surly frown twisted up into the crooked grin that Bella so adored, even if it was a bit tainted with concern.

And maybe the fact that Bella had missed the bucket and had thrown up all over the shirt and pants I had produced for her had something to do with it. Bella had a sickly but triumphant look on her spew splattered face as she looked at Edward. I chucked her a compact mirror that I brought to the car, also having foreseen this moment.

Bella's grin turned to consternation as she saw her face. She looked from the mirror to Edward, then back to the mirror. No doubt Edward saw right through the 'exfoliation mask', ignorant to the state of her face, but Bella was much too under confident to realise that. Instead, her she coloured in mortification, thinking that Edward might be smiling at her wet face.

I grabbed the hand towel I had also stowed in the car and chucked it at her. She was so anxious to get the stuff of her face, she fumbled and it fell into the mess in the bucket. I handed the next one to her, and she quickly wiped it all off, using the mirror as an aid.

"Thanks Alice, you're a lifesaver. I'm sorry I wrecked your clothes," she whispered weakly.

I grinned at her and patted another black assemble that appeared in my lap. Bella looked apprehensive about changing in full view of the others, so I spun the car around, opened the door and yelled out, "Wait a minute. Edward, block your mind!"

Bella quickly replaced her shirt and passed it to me. I threw it out the window and it landed on the windscreen of Jasper and Edward's, Emo-tional.

Emmett leant out of his now open door and, risking a slap from Rosalie, let out a hoot. "Doing a strip-tease in there, Bella?"

He was quickly silenced when the pants, soaked in vomit, came out and hit him in the face. I gave Bella a high-five. I laughed, "Nice shot, Bella!"

I yelled out to Edward, who was holding the bridge of his nose, shaking behind the steering wheel. "Edward, you can look now, she's okay." He sat up, shooting a fiendish and fuming glance towards Emmett. I had a flash of premonition.

I sent out a thought to Edward. _All of us are going to overwhelm _him_ first?_ He nodded, dead set on killing the vampire who had insulted his human fiancée.

A yell echoed around the massive clearing.

"Go!"

Four sets of pedals were pushed down to the floor, and three of the cars headed towards the one with a grizzly hula doll on the exterior of the car. The grizzly sashayed in its little green skirt and pink coconut bra, fur streaked with the flying mud.

Emmett's grin faded as he realised that the three cars headed towards him weren't going to stop; they were all trying to hit him first. Racing head-to-head over the muddy terrain, Emo-tional pulled slightly ahead, its path a bit drier than the rest of us. It was like the god that Edward thought would never accept him had pointed down and said, _"Thou must slay Emmett, forget my commandments and strike him down. I was starting to get bored of his and Rosalie's antics anyway."_

Edward hit Emmett, travelling at full speed. Hula Grizzly flew through the air, and both cars slid out of the race, smoking as the male vampires ran out. Edward ran away into the forest, chasing after Emmett. It wouldn't surprise me if Jasper was egging them on with his gift. Rosalie just slid out of the wreck, smoothed down her hair and clothes and sat on the Loser's Bench beside the pit that was being formed by Esme and myself driving around.

Carlisle looked amazed at Esme's daring manoeuvres, no doubt wondering where she had picked them up. Luckily, she was sworn to secrecy, I wasn't stupid enough to risk Carlisle's anger. I swerved around a front-on attack, Esme dodged a diagonal sweep. Before I knew what was happening, Edward had ran out of the forest and Esme was on a upwards jutting bit of dry ground that formed a natural jump.

I realised what was about to happen, no forewarning required. No time to steer out of the way, I grabbed Bella, smashed the window and curled my body around hers, pushing forward with my feet. I realised that my small frame couldn't protect her completely, but Edward was there, shielding both our bodies with his.

We flew through the metal side, even an armoured car couldn't stop Edward's sheer strength when it came to caring for Bella. All I felt was a smooth slight fall before Edward stood up and grabbed a slightly shaken human. I saw the wreck of my own car, The Parents on the roof of it. Esme and Carlisle stood on the top of their car, clutching each other's arms and looking around, terrified, for Bella. Picking Bella up bridal style, Edward pecked her cheek before putting her in my arms. Five minutes later, Emmett emerged from the woods, supported by Jasper, looking battered.

Rivulets of venom, tinged with red from his last meal, ran from cuts in his skin. He was muddied and walked with a pronounced limp in his left leg. His hands held his crown jewels. Edward had had fun with his revenge, for the game choice and comments. Jasper whispered something else in Edward's ear, and Emmett was dragged back out of sight, into the filthy depression that looked like a meteor had hit it.

Six of us stood around the edge, watching the two figures locked in battle at the bottom. Emmett's mouth was full of mud, and I saw a little pink coconut bra mixed in. Edward was shoving the stuff down Emmett's throat, forcing him to eat it. No one moved to intercede, but Rosalie walked away with a sigh. Emmett would be throwing the muck back up for weeks. I didn't pity him though, he deserved it. Jasper had probably told_ Eddie_ about Emmett's comment after Bella's little outburst of flatulence.

As one we all strolled away, knowing that the spectacle would continue for the next few hours. I hoped that Emmett wouldn't explode, I wanted his suffering to be drawn out: extensive, unhurried and extremely excruciating. I could deal with the stench of mud around the house for the next week, mud tinged with the sweet scent of venom. If he wrecked anything I could buy a replacement!

With that cheerful thought I ambled back to the house, leaving Bella behind to watch Edward lecturing Emmett. True love...

It was agreed in a _totally unbiased _vote that Emmett and Rosalie has wiped out first. Therefore the points stood as such:

Esme: 10

Carlisle: 10

Alice: 7

Bella: 7

Edward: 4

Jasper: 4

Emmett: 1

Rosalie: 1

_3-and-a-half hours later..._

Edward and Emmett stood on mats put out by Esme, dripping sludge. Bella had arrived back half-an-hour before the pair – Edward had had to go back to help Emmett home. Everyone else had gotten the time to change clothes, but coming back so late the pair hadn't. Not that it bothered Edward; to him it was a decent trade-off. Bella stood close to Edward, not minding the mud on the arm that was slung around her waist, not the filth on his clothes that transferred to hers where they touched. Well, it gave me an excuse to shop more!

We stood around the Goblet of Fire, no playfulness. The next name flew out and landed in my clean hand. I glanced at the name, unsure of what would ensue.

"The second person to choose the game shall be... Rosalie!"

**Game ideas are welcome and needed – what do you think Rosalie would do? R&R, and heed my previous warning. I changed my name to reflect my current obsession. Thanks for your kind reviews and ideas – they are most welcome! Wheeeeeeeeeee...!**

**Ninja Spork**


	7. Ninja Sporklet A:N

**MWAH HA HA! The Wicked Witch of The West is gone!**

**Uhh, I'm Ninja Sporks little sister. But I bet she told you that I wasn't related. But I am. Anyway, I'll be posting one chapter up probably Wednesday. She keeps on texting me and saying that I shouldn't tell you that we are related, like this:**

_Brat,_

_Use these texts to post up a chapter, don't tell anyone that you are related to me – not that we are related. _

_Forever Ninja-Sporking,_

_Your big non-sister who _will _Ninja Spork you if you don't post/if you say we are related._

**Yep, that's it. She has this weird fetish about Ninja Sporks, and spelling and grammar. Even when texting she does everything correctly. I guess she doesn't trust me to spell check. Anyway, keep reading etc, etc.**

**Ninja Sporklet**


	8. Poor Baby!

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or anything else that is owned by anyone else.**_

_**Claimer: I own my plot.**_

**A/N: Okay, I know you think Rosalie would be unpredictable, but you all know how she's wanted a baby. Remember, Jasper (if you vote for him) can be pretty...erratic...so give me ideas and vote please!**

Rosalie POV

"Babies," I said. "The person who treats their baby the best for three days wins." I looked over at the screen of the computer. Alice guiltily shut down a few windows, but not fast enough to hide what she was looking at.

"Alice, you can't buy a _real _baby on the black market. Well, you can but morally it's wrong." I berated her. "Buy a few robotized dolls that record how you treat them. Buy some clothes and accessories for them. Four boys and four girls and we'll draw the gender out of a hat."

Alice typed for a while and clicked away before swivelling her chair. "Done and paid. They'll be here in an hour: Express Delivery."

I gave her a nod before searching for some pink and blue paper. Finding some notepaper with pink flowers and blue flowers, I cut them out carefully, laminated them and stuck them in a top hat that Emmett produced. Bella looked confused as to why Emmett had a top hat.

"Magician and Apprentice," I winked. Knowing what I meant, Bella turned an odd red and green.

"Maybe we can loan some of our costumes with you and Edward," added Emmett.

Edward gave us a sardonic look and swept Bella out of the room, trying to protect her chastity from us beastly demons. Emmett came in for a kiss, but I pushed him away.

He stunk of mud and venom. To emphasise my thoughts, he ran outside to purge his stomach again, returning weak-kneed, holding onto the walls for support.

"Stupid Edward kills my Xbox and wrecks my private life by making me throw up mud. For no reason at all! He doesn't even punish Jasper, just because I forced him into it doesn't mean... opps," Emmett trailed off.

That was a nice new piece of information. Alice ran over to Jasper and gave him an apologetic cuddle, giving my husband a glare that made him tuck his metaphorical tail between his legs like one of the putrid werewolves.

Emmett saw my pitiless face and ran outside again, muddy venom dribbling down his chin. To pass the time, I came up with some names for my baby. After some hours I came up with:

If it was a girl: Aleda – Latin for 'Small and Winged', my own little angel.

If it was a boy: Alexander – Greek for the 'Defender of Mankind'.

The doorbell rang and I walked out to get the bundles left at the door. Unlike when the Cobras turned up, this was a drop and run. The delivery van was squealing down the driveway, swerving and missing the trees by mere inches.

Alice joined me, and together we took the little bundles inside.

We placed the eight motionless little bundles on the lounge, placed the hat on the floor and waited for everyone else to join us. One by one they entered the room and took their position on the floor. The results of the hat draw were as follows:

Myself: a girl. Name: Aleda Vera Hale

Esme: a boy. Name: Seraphim Platt Cullen

Carlisle: a girl. Name: Diana Cullen

Alice: a girl. Name: Felicia Hale Cullen

Jasper: a boy. Name: Peter Hale

Bella: a girl. Name: Elizabeth Masen Cullen

Edward: a boy. Name: Zane Cullen

Emmett: a boy. Name: Killer Baby Cullen

Emmett wouldn't change his boys' name, so we gave him the nickname of K.B. Bella named hers after Edward's mother and Esme named hers Seraphim, meaning angel, for her little boy. Jasper named Peter for the vampire who pulled him away from the vicious cycle of Maria's newborn army.

As one, we pushed the little buttons on the back that activated the dolls. Alice picked up the manual and read it out to us.

"Once the babies are activated they will sleep for 1 hour. It is recommended that you use this time wisely by preparing clothes, food and other necessities for your robotized bundle of joy."

A flurry of activity enveloped the room. Alice had thrown a bag of baby clothes over her shoulder, grabbed Felicia and ran up to her room, Jasper following her with Peter moments later. Emmett almost crushed K.B with his big paws trying to pick him up and then took him outside. Bella and Edward picked up their bubs and sat down together.

I picked up Aleda, dressed her and prepared some of the baby food that came with her for when she wakes. I heard a whoosh sound from outside and I went to investigate. K.B was thousands of feet up in the air. Suddenly, splat! K.B was a decoration on a passing plane.

"Um, Rosalie, does that mean I fail?" Emmett asked, pointing up at the sky.

"Only if he doesn't come back down," I replied, very serious.

Crestfallen, Emmett said, "Oh. Is there a spare somewhere?"

"No."

A small speck could be seen falling from the sky, gradually separating into several close flying parts of a baby. Emmett ran around catching all the pieces, probably thinking that he could somehow still win. He walked over to me, grinning widely.

"Rose, how long would it take to wire this Killer up?" It would take about 36 minutes and 29 seconds, leaving me eleven minutes to get back to my baby. Well, he was my husband.

"It would take about all your dirty magazines burning, no Xbox for a decade, Barbie for Alice and a trick on Carlisle and Edward, which you take the blame for. After all, this is about how manly you are."

He scoffed, "How manly is looking after a baby?"

"How manly is losing to Jasper, Edward and Carlisle. Not to mention Esme, Bella, Alice and myself?" I retorted.

"Oh, point taken. But a decade, Rose? How about a month or two?"

"Nope, a decade or an eternity of humiliation. Every second you waste makes it less likely I can fix K.B before looking after Aleda."

"Fine, but be quick, Carlisle will have to sew him up before he leaves for work with Diana."

It took only half an hour, the job was easier than I thought. Emmett dashed over to Carlisle, who was at the back of his Mercedes. I could hear their conversation from here.

"No, Emmett. I will not fix your baby."

Please, do you want me to fail?" Emmett tried to look like a poor little kid, and failed miserably.

"Go make a deal with Edward; I have to be at the hospital before Diana wakes up."

Emmett was afraid of Carlisle, more afraid of him then eternal humiliation. Or maybe not. Emmett put down the doll, got down on his knees and begged, crying figurative tears. If I would cry I could, it was a hilarious scene.

The total _shame _that Emmett would go through when this came out would be worse than losing the Manliest Man competition. Alice dashed through the doors.

"Sorry, just got back from the store. You've got to love future-telling," she said, taking pictures with her new digital camera. Emmett was bewildered as Alice took blackmail shots and Carlisle took the opportunity to get in the car and drive away, backing over K.B as he did so.

"Opps, sorry, Emmett," Carlisle shouted, voice fading as his car sped him away to safety. Alice followed his example, running away to the protection of Jasper.

"At least the wires are still intact," I told Emmett lightly, walking over and gazing at the battered doll.

"Edward has two medical degrees; he'll be able to fix K.B up – for a price," I said gravely. "You're in for a tough few days."

With that cheerful note I went into the house with my foolish husband. Together we walked into Edward's room, where he and Bella were sitting on the lounge. Emmett walked over to Edward.

"Will you fix this poor baby?"

Bella gasped, horrified at the smashed body cradled tenderly in Emmett's arms. Edward rubbed small circles in her back, and frowned at Emmett.

"You've only had the doll for fifty-seven minutes and it's already broken?" Edward shook his head.

Bella sighed in relief, realising that it was just a doll. "Edward, please fix K.B. Please, he's...tiny."

Edward wiped the tears that were forming in Bella's eyes away with the back of his hand. "For you, Bella," he whispered tenderly to her. Turning back to me, he declared: "It'll take two-and-a-half minutes, and it'll cost you."

"Anything, anything at all, just please, fix Killer, Edward."

The colour choice for the string took up most of the time. The sewing itself took only thirty seconds. I could barely see the tiny but strong stitches. Edward was very accurate; it took exactly two-and-a-half minutes to do.

We stood around, gazing at the reconstructed miracle before Edward's watch chimed. That meant...

Eight simultaneous screams rent the air. K.B started howling and Edward chucked him over to his proud dad. I saw this out of the corner of my eye as I dashed down to Aleda who was kicking her little arms and legs, shrieking. I grabbed a bottle and placed it in her mouth.

She drank with satisfaction, finishing with a content little burp. Immediately I picked her up, patting her back. I heard females crooning to their baby in the sudden quiet. Several voices cursed at once, and the screaming started up again, coming from each of the Cullen males rooms.

This was going to be a long three days.

**Quoting Ninja Spork: "I'm sorry this took so long to post; my phone was confiscated because we're 'being natural'. So I've sent this off my friends mobile. Luckily, I had a spare fifty bucks floating around. There is going to be more when I get back. The names all have meanings. Well, except Killer Baby. I've got no inspiration – I wasn't allowed to take my Twilight books with me (so I hide them away in my stuff and can't read them while observed. At least they're near when I'm sleeping, or more accurately – Edward is.) I have to cut this short now, teachers coming. Tell me who you want to win! Miss you guys, bye!"**

**Now back to me, Sporklet! Okay – R&R, point out errors, ideas welcome, don't do drugs, steal Twilight and give it to me...and whatever I should say! Ninja Sporklet...**_**out**_**!**


	9. Pranks and a 15 'word' word

_**Disclaimer: Even in my feverish dreams I don't own Twilight, so you healthy people should realise that it isn't mine, but Stephanie Meyer's. Duh.**_

**Baby names**

Rosalie: Aleda Vera Hale

Esme: Seraphim Platt Cullen

Carlisle: Diana Cullen

Alice: Felicia Hale Cullen

Jasper: Peter Hale

Bella: Elizabeth Masen Cullen

Edward: Zane Cullen

Emmett: Killer Baby Cullen (K.B)

**Day 1**

**Jasper POV**

Nightmare? Exactly.

_Current state of people in the house_

Myself: curled up in a ball, rocking backward and forward and trying to suppress an emotion-induced headache while baby whinges and moans and screams.

Edward: walking around in circles saying, "Oh, woe is me, bite thy stupid baby" while baby whinges and moans and screams.

Emmett: watching the clock, saying: "ding bing ting ling dong bong tong long" _very_ slowly every minute while baby whinges and moans and screams.

Carlisle: escaped to the hospital, where no doubt nurses had placed Diana in the newborn's ward.

The females had it easy.

Alice: talking while baby's asleep

Bella: talking while baby's asleep

Rosalie: talking while baby's asleep

Esme: talking while baby's asleep

Why do all the females have their babies sleeping? Why can they all talk together while we males, with the possible exception of Carlisle, have to try and quiet our babies screaming?

It was unfair. I crept into the living room and tapped Edward and Emmett on the shoulder. They looked at me with blank eyes, looking like the undead we are. I grabbed their wrists and dragged them outside with me. Two words needed to be said to wake them up.

"Prank Time," I said happily.

Emmett's eyes brightened quickly.

"No plans of course guys, at this stage all we're doing is brainstorming. (_A/N: Cough _Alice _cough_)," I quickly added.

Edward looked at me. "I think we need to go hunting, Jasper. Maybe the girls will look after our babies, you know, feeding their maternal instincts."

I gave him a high-five. "I am rather hungry – for revenge. Why did they get the quiet babies?"

Emmett frowned. "Set-up for sure."

Ignoring the fact that it couldn't have been a set-up and without pointing out that my question was rhetorical, I nodded.

"We deserve better than that, don't we?" I clenched my fist. "Plan 'Kid Killer' activated."

Edward and Emmett grabbed the babies, I made sure that Edward carried mine due to the little…incident Emmett had had earlier. Moments later they had come back down empty handed.

Together we ran into the forest, to a place far, far away were we could talk in peace and safety…

**Esme POV**

Alice moved away from the open window, sat down and flashed us a wicked grin. "The boys are planning revenge with a prank. They've deluded themselves into thinking that we've somehow swindled them into having the noisiest dolls. I say we trick them, instead."

Noises of agreement were voiced. Alice hushed us as footsteps sounded on the stairs and Emmett and Edward burst in.

Edward spoke first. "We're going to do a little hunting. Can you babysit for us?"

"Please," Emmett added.

Alice nodded and three babies were deposited in her arms. The boys and Jasper left quickly, making their way into the forest.

Once they were out of earshot, I snorted. "Hunting? I love my sons, but I can't believe how silly they are sometimes. They fed only a few days ago. Hunting, honestly," I shook my head in mock disbelief and disappointment.

"Alice, how did you know what they were planning? I don't think they'd be silly enough to forget your gift," Bella asked.

Alice hushed the dolls and put them into the big cot, shaking her head sadly. "Maybe if they hadn't been talking a little bit too loudly and if I hadn't been at the window. Anyway, the point is that we need to teach them a little lesson – don't mess with us girls. Plan Baby Boomer has now commenced."

I rubbed my hands in glee. No one, unless you were insane, got on my bad side.

"Anyone have any ideas?"

"Well..." Bella started.

"Yes," Alice urged her.

"Maybe we'd better find out what the boy's are planning first. It'd suck if they outwitted us without knowing and trying. You guys will also have to be careful and block your minds subtly, or Edward will know something's up," she said.

"Firstly Bella, boys, even if they're thousands of years old, can't multitask. Take Aro for example, I heard that once...well, never mind. The point is, they're trying to stop me from finding out their plans by changing their minds rapidly, not that it would make any difference now, but we won't have to worry about that. Secondly, I agree with your first idea," Alice said.

Alice clicked her fingers and looked at Rosalie, who flitted out of the room and ran down the stairs, dashing outside. She slid silently into the forest, heading after the boys.

"Now, prank ideas?" Alice asked.

"Maybe we can help," a voice rasped from the corner. Seven little baby dolls climbed out of their cots, golden eyes glowing brightly. They all looked like mini-Smeagol's, to be honest, and judging by the voice, they sounded like him too. Little Elizabeth led the way, walking up to Alice. She held out a tiny hand, plastic skin snowy. Alice gasped as she shook Elizabeth's hand. I saw why when Elizabeth, who appeared to be the boss, took my hand in hers.

Her hand was icy and hard, grip strong. She held on for an instant, before moving on to Bella. Seraphim and the rest of the babies – all mini-vampires – followed Elizabeth's example. After each of them had shaken all of our hands, they sat down near their 'parent'. All the babies with absent parents sat together in a little group, forming a circle with us.

Seraphim sat next to me, head held high, a little adult. It was a little disconcerting, seeing a doll that looked like a newborn baby acting like a grown-up, to say the least. Again, Elizabeth took the lead, hand loosely held by Bella's. It was clear that it was her who had initiated the contact, not Bella. Golden eyes framed by little curling, black lashes, she spoke first.

"I heard that you are arranging a prank? I believe that we may be of some assistance." Her tiny, rose-petal lips moved slightly as she spoke. She didn't blink, staring at Alice, who was still stunned at this turn of events. Elizabeth gave a small grin, her tiny teeth that no newborn had shining at us as we sat, dumb-struck.

I saw that Elizabeth was waiting for an answer, so I nodded my head, clearing it as well as showing acceptance of her offer. Well, humans thought that vampire's weren't real, so why shouldn't scary-little-baby-dolls-that-turn-into-scary-little-mini-vampires-that-look-like-Smeagol – or SLBDTTISLMVTLLS for short – exist? Glad that I had a vampiric photographic memory, I got over the shock, using my not so clear logic of a weird 15-'word' word.

"Wow," said Bella, who looked like she thought she was dreaming. "Alice, can you slap me?" But a familiar, vacant look had passed into Alice's eyes. She remained, as still as a statue, unmoving for almost half an hour. Elizabeth sat likewise, her hand no longer grasping Bella's. The rest of us – a human, vampire and half-a-dozen vampirlets – waited in silence for the pair to 'wake up'.

Alice came out of her stupor beaming, exclaiming, "Fabulous idea! We are in the presence of a master pranker, guys."

Elizabeth nodded regally, slotting her hand back into Bella's and merely replying, "I'm glad you agree. But before we do anything..." She nodded at K.B, who looked like a mini-hulk. I looked closely and saw that the stitches were slowly dissolving. Without a word, K.B stood up and exited the room.

"We can communicate mentally, reading and sending out others thoughts, except for Bella's," Elizabeth explained.

Oh, opps. I wish I hadn't thought of K.B as a mini-hulk. The hulk did look sort of cute...I guess...

Elizabeth continued, "so K.B, as you call him, will made a better spy than Rosalie. That and the fact that he's smaller, faster, virtually silent and undetectable through physical, emotional and mental means. Also, they can't torture anything out of him." It was odd hearing the word torture come out of such a tiny mouth.

Bella looked sick. 'Torture?" she asked weakly.

Elizabeth gave a curt nod before turning back to Alice. "Now, once Rosalie gets back we can start talking tactics. I trust that when K.B explains it to her she won't freak?"

Alice swallowed. "Well, we may need to have a talk with her when she gets back. That's when she'll stop pulling out her hair so I _can_ talk to her."

"As long as it doesn't take too long," was the reply.

We waited patiently for Rosalie's return and we were rewarded with her hysteric entrance.

"What the hell is going on?!" Rosalie screamed/yelled/screeched as much as you could when you were whispering.

Rosalie's baby walked over to her 'mummy', and raised her hand.

"How do you do?" Aleda asked.

Rosalie stared down at her little bundle of joy. Well, it was _her_ game idea. She couldn't blame anyone else, except perhaps Carlisle for saving her life – well, she was dead, but you know what I mean – but he wasn't here. Her mouth fell open in a not so beautiful gape, before her eyes rolled up into her head and she collapsed on the carpet, freaking out like Alice predicted. She grasped her hair, pulling on it, but even in her delusional state she wasn't silly enough to wreck her appearance by yanking it out.

Alice shook Rosalie's shoulder, and when that didn't bring her to her senses, a nice, ringing _slap_ echoed in the house. Rosalie irritably put her head around the right way, the bones in her neck snapping as they repaired themselves.

"What did you do that for," she snapped at Alice. Seeing the SLBDTTISLMVTLLS's again, she started to go into hysterics again. I quickly got up and shook her, hard. Her eyes calmed as they looked into mine, but glancing over my shoulder, Rosalie's expression turned scared. Following her gaze, I saw Bella slumped against the wall, Elizabeth on her shoulder, climbing towards her neck. Bella's eyes were frozen in an expression of shock and horror, one that my face quickly echoed.

I stood, rooted to the spot, as Elizabeth moved towards her goal...

and closer...

and reached it

What?

She moved past Bella's neck, past the enticing blue veins that pulsed with the passage of blood, and put her little hand on Bella's cheek. Bella moved, looking down at Elizabeth. She looked at up Rosalie, who's neck was still at an unnatural angle, healing slowly. Then, suddenly but unsurprisingly, Bella fainted.

Alice ran forward to catch Bella, lowering her gently to the ground. Time passed as it always did, and Bella slowly came around, by which time Rosalie's neck looked, thankfully, normal.

"Now, it's time to discuss war," Elizabeth spoke up again. Rosalie sat down, Aleda walking over and sitting down near her. I guess that this wasn't exactly what she thought motherhood would be like.

**Carlisle POV**

(A/N – read the words backwards, I'll put in translations)

"Olleh?" Diana whined from the back. (Hello?)

I sighed, shaking my head. Diana's unintelligible mumblings were getting on my nerves. I looked over at her, something looked different, but I couldn't my finger on what.

"Elsilrac, pots gnieb tnarongi." (Carlisle, stop being ignorant)

I could had swore that she sounded irritated. Shaking my head I sighed, this competition was going to cut several hundred years off my life, or at least give me wrinkles. I happily saw the hospital where I work appear around the corner, I would soon get away from my little freak. At least the nurses would be too, what word did Bella use for Edward? Oh yes, too _dazzled_ to raise any awkward questions.

"Kaerf? Em? Uoy ydoolb lergnom!" (Freak? Me? You bloody mongrel!)

I glanced over at Diana, who's tiny face was scrunched up in..._anger_? Her little golden eyes flamed with...wait...golden eyes? Her eyes were grey before, weren't they? And her skin was a china white.

"YllaniF, Kcolrehs!" (Finally, Sherlock!)

What the... "Wait, say that again."

"YllaniF, Kcolrehs." (Finally, Sherlock)

Did she just say 'Finally, Sherlock', backwards?

"Husp eht emulov nottub eht rehto yaw." (Push the volume button the other way.)

Ok… I pulled into the hospital parking lot and grabbed Diana. If my vampire memory served me correctly, she had told me to push the volume button around the other way. I did so, gasping as I touched her icy skin.

Once I had finished, the button smoothed out, receding into the white neck. Diana rolled her neck and shoulders, cracking them with pleasure. Stretching out all her muscles, she grinned up at me.

"Hello, Carlisle. Please, put me down."

In shock – I knew all the symptoms, of course – I put Diana down in her seat. She stood up, amusement in her tiny eyes.

I mumbled, "hold on," and went into the hospital. I walked up to the receptionist. She gasped at the look on my face.

"Doctor, you look awful!"

I looked at her, wide-eyed. "I think I'm going to take a sick day today."

Without waiting for a reply, I stumbled back out to the car. Diana beamed at me, a miniature vampire.

"My brothers and sisters are joining forces with the females of your coven and waging a prank war on the males," she told me.

"Oh," I said, still stunned.

"Well, we don't want to be left out, do we?"

**I've been very sick and I know it's been, like a week-and-a-half since my last update, so rant and rave if you want. I need prank ideas, I'm hopeless. Please, help me. I know the baby vampires are a weird twist – blame my feverish mind. Little Smeagol-babies. Missed you guys heaps. Probably a crap chapter, flame me if you want. Please R&R – help me get better by _saying something_! Let me know what you think!**

**Ninja Spork (is very ill indeed)**


	10. AN: Please read this! Very important!

Ok guys. I know it's been ages since I've updated. Prank Ideas! I've got some, but more would be welcome. PM me, I'll always reply to thank you. Now... you may have to wait a bit for the next update. Ideas will speed me up, but I'm going to be doing some tweaking, making the already posted chapters _way _better. I hope. So be patient, rant and rave and moan. I know that someone out there hates me – they told me so in my poll. So I'm going to make my story more enjoyable for the rest of you guys, who review and make me happy!

Remember, when you review, I click on your name, read your stories, and review them! What's that saying? Oh yeah – 'What goes around comes around'. I this case, IT'S ACTUALLY TRUE!!

So review and make me happy!

Again, I'm sorry about the lack of updates...

Ninja Spork


	11. Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, Ouch!

**Okay, guys. I know that there haven't been any updates for a while. The reason – I'm a clumsy klutz who fell down the stairs (it's actually two flights – big ouch) and, lo and behold, through a window.**

**Now some of you may be laughing or saying that that's no excuse. Well, in falling down the stairs, I broke some ribs. My first broken bones, **_**ever**_**. One pierced my lungs – and I'll tell you something. It hurts like hell. Plus a few head injuries, and cuts and scrapes from the glass.**

**Added to that, there've been quite a few family issues. But hey, at least I'm alive (cheers weakly)**

**In short – I've been in no mood to write. Now that I'm finally healing, there **_**will be updates!**_

**I'm very sorry – don't kick me in the chest. I've enough trouble breathing as it is. At least I have an excuse to get out of sport and P.E for a few months!**

**I'm only allowed to be on my notebook for short stretches, and no internet, so my sister will be posting this.**

**Miss you guys,**

**Ninja Spork**

* * *

That's it. She _is_ really sorry. She spent quite a bit of time fretting about you guys and how you might hate her. I read her some of your stories, and she told me what to say in the review. If you need to kick someone, kick me, 'cause if you kick her, she might have to spend some more time in hospital!

Ninja Sporklet...


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